Patty and her friend Marianne loved to play with their dolls. Patty  would make a doll house out of a cardboard box and pretend it was a fancy house with decorations. Marianne liked to play with her babies. She wrapped them in thin brown papertowels.

"See, these are soft and my babies love them," she told me.

Patty ignored her friend. She sat her dolls in the cardboard box. The dolls wore old clothes but Patty didn't care. Marianne tried to dress Patty's dolls but Patty wouldn't have it.

When I observed Patty and Marianne they were seven. Their parents knew one another from work. Patty's mother was thrilled that someone would play with her daughter.

"Patty has autism and few friends. Her teachers don't get it. They think she is not capable."

Patty's mom was impatient. She knew Patty had abilities and talents. She was tired of the teachers telling her what Patty couldn't do.

The new friendship between Patty and Marianne thrilled her.

"They are really friends," the mother told me.

I watched the friends.

They knew how to play together and they did it so well.

Play scholars.

Heather was five. She had been in an autism classroom. After a year of strong classroom programs, Heather was ready for 90 % inclusion in kindergarten. She had friends and was independent.

Then the teacher in kindergarten went on maternity leave.

Heather started regressing. She stopped finishing her tasks. She refused to do work that was hard for her.

Heather's autism teacher told me how Heather had been doing well. We brainstormed.

"Generalization." I said.

Kids with autism can have a hard time generalizing skills under different variables or cues.

Luckily, Heather had a bright and well trained autism teacher in her life.

"Got it," the autism teacher said. "I see. These kids need to learn to learn in different situations and under different circumstances."

I recommended that the autism teacher pair a highly desirable reinforcement with the new environment. Heavily reinforcing new situations can help students with autism be successful.

The autism teacher was right on it.

Heather would spend a few minutes in the autism classroom learning to finish tasks again and earn some very special reinforcement for doing that.

A warm up before the big show.

Willy was the new kid. He was six.

His parents had moved him from another class in a different school. Actually we were his third class that  year.

The other kids in my classroom were being supported in regular classrooms. Willy's parents loved this.

Unfortunately, Willy was in diapers and screamed when you asked him to sit in a chair. His previous teachers called me and told me the dirty details. She told me that Willy's parents were hoping for a miracle.

"Willy and his parents are a big problem," one of the teachers told me over the phone. She was so happy to get rid of them. 

My assistants and I met. They decided to continue on with the other kids in the regular classrooms. I did some intensive toilet training with Willy so he could join them.

The thing about toilet training is that you have to work on sitting, following directions, and compliance training all in one program.

Without my strong staff, of course, none of this would be possible.

Willy was out of diapers in two months. Little by little, we included him with the other kids. One of the boys in the first grade classroom knew Willy from his Dad's neighborhood.

'I know him. I know him. He lives near my dad!" Jason and Willy ate lunch together and played on the yard at recess.

We were thrilled.

Sometimes miracles do happen.

Willy had a friend.    

Evan was ten when I met him. He was still in diapers and screamed. When he wanted something, he grabbed it. When his parents decided that they were exhausted, they contacted a social worker who recommended the residential school where I taught.

Evan's parents were guilty and filled with shame. Their marriage was hanging on by threads and their other children were angry and distant.

I didn't know what to say.  I know what it is like to have a disabled sibling. I know those feelings of shame and guilt and anger and sadness. I learned that life was unfair when I was in kindergarten. 

I tried to respond to Evan's family as a professional. I was a teacher, after all. But watching them say goodbye to him triggered an emotional response far from the training I had received.  As Evan's parents hugged him, I wept with them. Uncontrollably. It wasn't was I was supposed to do as the teacher. But there it was.

Evan's parents were sad but relieved.  They walked away from their son with severe autism and never came back.

Those of us who taught at the residential school were more than warm bodies. We were family.

These kids needed us but we needed them, too. 

I talked to a new teacher the other day. She had spent last year as a long-term substitute in a class with young children with autism. After a summer off, she was eager to return.

"I can't wait!"

This made my day.

We talked about how her school was focusing on a school-wide theme and she wasn't sure how to implement it in her classroom.

"During the first days of teacher workdays, try to meet the first grade teachers," I suggested. "Go with your gut feelings about which teacher would welcome your students and work with you."

The new teacher was silent on the other end of the phone.

"So, what I am saying is that the theme project is a great way to work with another teacher and for your students to work with the regular education kids."

The new teacher started brainstorming.

"Oh, so I can maybe have the regular kids come into my room?" She asked.

"That is one way to start!" I replied.

I remembered how long ago in San Francisco, the school had a theme of Oceans and the best teacher of ASD kids at the school used the opportunity to work with regular teachers. She was always looking to help her students socialize and develop friendships.

The new teacher and I talked for a while. She was excited and couldn't wait.

"I can do this!"

Without a doubt.

"You have to do this. Your students need friends and opportunities to be with their peers. This is a great chance for them and for you," I added.

The new teacher and her students were going to have a great year.

An inexperienced teacher was placed in a summer school classroom for young children with autism. The regular teacher needed a break.

"I had never seen anything like this!" he told me.

"The kids are everywhere! They try to escape and walk into furniture."

I told him to get a good night's sleep and to eat properly and exercise.

"I'm exhausted at the end of the day," he added.

After a few minutes, I thought about what he needed to know before the next day.

"Safety first. Forget the cute preschool stuff in the room. Your priority is safety."

The young inexperienced teacher thought about it. "You're right," he added. "I see what you mean."

I explained how to rearrange the furniture to help contain the kids. The first thing is to teach them to sit in a chair, (to avoid escape)  to fold their hands, (to avoid hurting each other), and then to look at him as he called their names.

The young teacher said that the county autism specialist had told him to follow the preschool curriculum.

"She didn''t mention safety or anything about furniture," he explained.

I wasn't surprised.

The family was not looking forward to the huge reunion.

"We have to travel by car for two days before the event," the mother explained.

Her young child had autism and hated crowds. He was five. His siblings loved going to parties. No one invited him.

Children with autism spend time in classrooms learning useless skills sometimes.

They need to learn how to deal with parties and reunions.

When I was taking graduate courses in San Francisco, the professor described the importance of teaching functional skills to help students in the current or subsequent environments.

That was twenty years ago.

The mother told me how her child's classroom teacher explained how children with autism don't like change.

However, she didn't offer any suggestions to help this little boy manage real life.

The family reunion was planned.

The family had to go.

They had six months to prepare.

I suggested the family approach it as they had approached every other teaching and training situation.

One step at a time.

They introduced sounds and smells and crowds by taking him to the mall on Saturday. The variable was time. First we spent five successful minutes and left on a good note.

Eventually, we were able to eat lunch at a crowded kid friendly restaurant.

The real test was a birthday party.

The training wasn't easy. But we reviewed goals and strategies and made changes.

Teachers need to be taught that children with autism can learn to live inclusively in the real world.

School is an artifical environment.

This little guy and his family went to the reunion.

When they returned, the family said the relatives were so pleased to see them.

"They invited us for Christmas." 

A new teacher asked me about her students with autism.

"What should I be doing? What is the best thing I can do?"

She wanted to do the best she could.

I have tried to pass on some experience and information.

"Friends, You have to keep your eyes on friends. Kids needs friends and you have to learn how to do this."

The new teacher sighed. "Well, I don't know. The training I get is about behavior and  inclusion."

That is all important. No doubt about it. But we have to extend the training and remember the goals. The goals for kids in schools center around social skills and friends. Kids with autism are usually on the fringes. They are friends with adults but not peers. Or their peers, take care of them and it isn't equal and typical.

The new teacher was stuck.

"A long time ago, in the eighties, I worked with a teacher who figured it out. She taught the typical kids to support the kids with autism in play skills." I paused.

The new teacher was in shock. "In the eighties?"

"Yep."

So long ago, a gifted teacher had figured it out. I was just lucky to be there.

Friends.

That is what is so amazing about the inclusion of kids with autism. Friends. Like everyone else, kids with autism want friends and need those connections.

My younger sister was born with a serious physical disorder. She spent much of her life in a hospital. Years ,sometimes.

Back then, schools didn't have ramps. When she came home from multiple surgeries, she couldn't attend the elementary school up the street. The schools sent a tutor.

What she missed was friends. She had our friends. But not her own friends. She was never in her own social group in school. Her friends were our friends or family.

When I think about what is the most important part of education for children with autism,  I am reminded of my sister's education.

She didn't have her own group of friends. And that is what school does. It creates social networks for kids.

Teachers of children with autism often learn about IEPs and techniques. These are important elements of any child's education.

However, if teachers lack social competence training, children with autism will suffer. They will miss what most children cherish in school.

They will have skills and adult professionals but not friends.

And that isn't enough.